Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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