just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
