I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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