wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
