Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize