Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
