New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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