I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
