Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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