I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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