is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My balls are so social today.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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