"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
