So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
