my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
