True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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