i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
