Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
