There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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