Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
