i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There r osticjed everywhere
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
