My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
