I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
