She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize