I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
