No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Come share oat with me in your robe
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
