Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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