Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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