it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
