you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
