Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Even my vagina gasped.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
