I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
