I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
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