If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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