Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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