why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
