I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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