Who did Billy Mays play for?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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