I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
