His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
