I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
