oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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