first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
