i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
