Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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