I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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