You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
