walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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