I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
