apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
