Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
