oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
