I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
