I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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