You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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