I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
