I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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