im gay
i know
yea but for you.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
