Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
