imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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