I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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