I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
