So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
