I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
