so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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