can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
