I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
