then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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