My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
