i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
